Raw, but worth it…
I have been told most of my life I am “too”… too loud, too happy, too sparkly, too broken, too driven, too much. In my head it was translated into you are broken and not accepted. This message played out many times throughout my life. 6 weeks after leaving in -patient rehab (straight up the hardest thing I have EVER done) my father sat me down with other family members to announce 3 things: I was his MOST expensive mistake, he regrets adopting me, and I had fucked my life up so badly that there was no returning. Please know this was all done after my Mum died, a 6 month period full of attempted suicides, and 120 days in patient rehab where I fought for my life. I was 32. The tears ran down my face as I stared at my bio father, his second wife, my dad, and his second wife. They smirked. Faith and Ruth both looked pleased. I silently cried. I come from hate. I come from people who enjoy destroying others. These are not my people, but all I knew. In that moment, I wanted nothing more than to either die or drink. I did neither. I made another choice. I called my rock. He talked me off the edge and then asked… what do you believe about you? I latched on to the idea of “do the next right thing.”.
At 6 months sober I gave my dying father my 6 month sobriety chip. He threw it and said “It should have never fucking happened to begin with.” I cried. I shook. I called my rock. I rigidly locked into the belief… the next right thing.
As my father was dying, I was pushed aside. I was devalued. I was not heard. I did not drink in defiance to the hate. At his funeral my bio father announced… your family is dead now, no one wants you, no one loves you. I was not allowed at my father’s wake. I took this immense pain and transmuted it. This was the first day I fed the homeless. With red eyes and a tear stained face I took my last $20 made sandwiches, fruit cups, and juice box sack lunches. I wrote things like “you are valued”, “you are here for a reason”, “better days are coming” and passed them out to every needy person I came across.
In this moment I realized two things: EVERY human has value and needs love and I have the power to be a positive force of love in other’s lives. This would be my legacy.
Fear is a bitch of a thing. It encapsulates us. It chokes out life and hope. It changes the lens you view the world through. It tampers the joy and enhances the hurt. Fear is a liar.
Please know…you have value, you are enough, you are wanted, you are loved, you are here to change the world, and most of all I am grateful you are in my life. Transmute your pain. Take the pain and plant flowers. Take the hate and push out love. Take the feelings of being invisible and show the world they are seen. Be the change and know that you know FEAR IS A LIAR.
I love you. Thank you for being part of my path now. ??